Next week Mary L. Trump speaks some hard truth. On July 14th her book about her uncle, Donald Trump, comes out. Reporting by the New York Times, the Washington Post, and others reveals that it will be the story of her uncle as an incredibly wounded, psychologically damaged and impaired person, whose psychopathology is endangering us all.
This should not really be a surprise to anyone who has, even a little, objectively observed Trump prior to his presidency and since assuming the office in 2017. It is a very dangerous book for Donald Trump because Mary tells hard truth about him that helps us understand some of the other hard truths others have been sharing in their “tell all” books. What gives this book some greater credibility over the others is that 1) Mary was an insider in the Trump clan and 2) she is a clinical psychologist.
Honestly, I won’t giddily read the book looking for salicious, condemning new bits of information about Donald Trump. We already know as much as we need to know about Trump to make a clear headed judgment about his fitness for leadership.
I expect to feel pity and sadness for both Donald Trump and Mary Trump as I read the book.
Both are victims of a highly dysfunctional family and have come through many Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs). I know. That sounds very judgmental, doesn’t it? It is an assessment I can fairly and compassionately make because I also come from a highly dysfunctional family and have a number of ACEs, too. A bit of “It takes one to know one,” plus I was also trained as a therapist and worked with numerous clients who had experienced early childhood trauma.
Donald Trump uses bravado, hubris, and mistruth to feel like a worthy person. I expect this book will make that clearer than ever. Mary Trump is also deeply wounded. She strikes me as a person who needs to write this book as part of her own healing and recovery. It is also an attempt to save others.
I can empathize with both. Like Donald Trump I have felt incredibly insecure and have resorted to the same strategies. I have also been wounded like Mary Trump and felt a need to stake my claim to recovery and save others.
If Your Parent Drinks Too Much was my “tell-all” book in the 1980’s. It didn’t sell nearly as many copies as Mary Trump’s book will, but it did okay. It was nominated for a national book award, won a minor book award, and was translated into German and published in Europe. I didn’t write it as a tell-all book, but that was the impact it had on my family, particularly my sisters.
The book focused on lessons learned from growing up with a severely alcoholic father and a chronically angry mother who resented the presence of her children because they “trapped” her in a marriage she did not want. I did not intentionally tell stories on my family though there were many that could be told. When my sisters read the book, they read between the lines. They saw things in the book that reminded them of things they thought they had forgotten and which they had never discussed with anyone, including among themselves.
Years later I would learn that on a few occasions my sisters would meet up for a weekend to talk about what they had read and then compare their own stories. Even more years later the four of us sat together in a nursing home where my middle sister was waiting to die. On that day we talked for hours, for the first and only time in our lives, by ourselves. Our parents had passed years before and, now, we could freely talk. We finally had the safety to speak the hard truth each of us had hidden. We weeped together, affirmed our love for one another, and healed a little bit more.
Stories like those I told, and which I believe Mary Trump will tell, can make a difference because they speak hard truths which are also often hidden from view. They can be so hard, in fact, that they can be hidden from our conscious self as well. Mary Trump’s book may give Donald Trump the same opportunity it gives her – to heal. I won’t be voting for Trump in the Fall, but I will be hoping he allows this book to move him to experience the healing he so badly needs, and which we all need for him to experience.
a moment of sweetness
This Tweet appeared in my feed recently. It features a serendipitous experience for a young girl in a park. I won’t give the story away but I hope you will take a minute to watch it. I think it will make you smile.
Early in the morning on March 14, 2020 I could not sleep. I was doing a two-day strategy planning session in Jackson, Mississippi and I was to start the second day later in the morning. I had made the decision to start the drive home immediately at the close of the session instead of waiting until the next day, Sunday the 15th, to start after a good night’s sleep.
Why the change in plans?
The day before, Friday, March 13, the COVID-19 natioanl pandemic emergency had been declared. Since I couldn’t sleep, I wrote the following blog that I never posted. Still, it inspired me, two days later, to begin daily blogging. First as Stories of COVID-19 and Sheltering-In-Place(for 77 straight days) and now as The Daily Drivel. Today marks 108 consecutive days of posting a blog. Before you now it, it will be 110!
I’ve been taking in and sitting with all the news over the past couple of days about COVID-19. When I sat down to write today’s blog, I accidently clicked on the “Drafts” section and this unsent blog popped up. I began to read it and had a terrible, sinking feeling. At this point I want to quip something funny like one of the famous sayings from Yogi Berra, specifically, “It’s deja vu all over again.” However, it isn’t funny. It is tragic. March 13th is nearly four months ago but, folks, we are right back there like in some kind of cruel Groundhog Day but without Bill Murray to make us laugh about it.
I’ve decided to run that blog today unedited and in its entirety. Bear in mind it was written the morning after the declaration of national emergency. Mississippi, where I was working, would have its first reported case of coronavirus later that day. None of us were expected to be sheltering-in-place more than two weeks. Who could have imagined we’d be in the place we are today with 2.6 million Americans confirmed cases of COVID-19 and nearly 130,000 dead?
I know this is going to sound nonsensical but I wish it were not still March 14, 2020. The only difference, it seems, is that I’m writing from my office at home and not the Hampton Inn Downtown Jackson.
Truth in an Age of Untrustworthiness
Today, March 14, 2020, two opposite things are true: Life goes on as normal and nothing about life is normal.
I’m writing this from Jackson, Mississippi where I finish up some work with a really terrific client today. What is normal about today is that I’m doing work I often do. I have done strategy planning sessions with many organizations. There is nothing new in this work for me. It is part of my normal life.
However, nothing about how I am doing this work this time is normal. Because of the spread of the coronavirus we are: practicing social distancing (keeping six feet away from one another), regular hand washing and sanitizing, trying to keep our hands away from our faces, and wiping down every surface we can in our meeting spaces a couple of times each day. Notice I said “meeting spaces.”
The only meeting rooms available to us were too small to accommodate all 15-17 people seated at a distance of six feet apart (an appropriate social distance). The group was divided into two – one meeting in a small conference room in my hotel and the other meeting in a small conference room at the organization’s offices. Using Zoom videoconferencing we are able to work together from our separate locations. It worked, but nothing was normal about it.
I know. Some of you reading this will see this as an over reaction on my part and that of my client. I’m okay with that. Actually, we had some fun with the “abundance of caution” here as well. I get it. During uncertain times when we are feeling a bit shaken, humor is an important resource. What I don’t get are the people who see the coronavirus thing as a big joke or even a hoax. I know. This is America, the land of the free where we are all entitled to our own thoughts, beliefs, and speech – no matter how ill informed, damaging, or hurtful they may be. If it were not for this freedom, I couldn’t be writing this post.
Here’s the problem though. We live in an age of untrustworthiness. As Americans, we have been lied to by many different people – too many of them in leadership – in the past and present. Some have invented conspiracy theories and outright hoaxes.
Some have lied because they erroneously believed they were serving a greater good by being less than candid.
Some are pathological liars.
Some are innocent, ignorant, and well intended – but pass on things they’ve heard from a “reliable source” but which is still neither reliable nor true.
Some are just plain evil and use lies to create chaos and confusion to their own benefit.
Be careful about “who” you read into what you just read. The “who” is all of us. Though some of you will believe I’m referring to a particular leader or groups of leaders and some will believe I’m referring to the media. Nope.
I don’t always appreciate how addiction to ratings and revenue often drives the media to make meaningless stories important and sensational stories even more sensational. Nonetheless, I believe they have, on the whole, tried to do more good than harm with their reporting of the Novel Coronavirus. Even in the media there are bad actors who hold to political loyalties and party lines rather than the truth. I believe the media has been trying to get our attention long enough to focus on a real threat while others would prefer to distract us from it.
The reason for a lie never really matters because the damage of the lie is still the same. It sows mistrust, lack of confidence, and we find ourselves living in an age of untrustworthiness.
My professional field is leadership not public health. However, I have spent the majority of my career working on matters related to public health. I’ve had the privilege of working with local, county, and state public health departments around the United States, with the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, and major health and medical research universities. When it comes to matters of public health, I do not listen to our leaders or the media but directly to the people from the public health world. Sometimes, of course, leaders or the media may be channels by which public health messages get out so it is impossible to avoid them altogether. As good consumers, though, it is our obligation to pull back the curtain on leaders and the media to assess the quality of the information they are passing on.
We are in a moment when the clear, factual voice of public health is still struggling to be heard through the political rhetoric. In this moment, I believe the truth is to be found in what public health people are trying to tell us. If they could get through to us, here is what I believe they’d want us to hear:
We have a much bigger problem than we’ve been led to believe because too little is being done too late. The coronavirus did not just “pop up” in the past few weeks as some leaders would have us believe. Our leaders have known about it and its potential as a very serious threat since early January. They were warned by the epidemiologists at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention on January 21 that cases of the virus were expected in the United States and globally. Still, our leaders put out information that was less than candid about the risk. In what may be the race of our lives, the coronavirus had a nearly 10 week head start on us and we have just barely left the starting blocks.
Infections are growing exponentially which means far more of us will become sick and die than what we ever imagined. The mathematicians have worked out the numbers for us. Epidemiologists tell us that the number of coronavirus cases doubles ever six days at its current rate of growth. If it continues at that rate, we will hit 1 million cases in the U.S. by the end of April. Two weeks later, by the middle of May, we will have 4 million cases. The mortality rates for the coronavirus disease 2019 (COVID-19) may as low as 3% to 5% but recent re-estimations of death rates published on March 12 show they may be as high as 15%, even 20%. More fun with math…Do you know how many American’s died of the Spanish Flu in 1918-1919? The final toll is estimated at 675,000. How does this compare with the potential death toll for COVID-19? You can do the math yourself to come up with the truly frightening number of deaths which could result from COVID-19. Remember, the Spanish Flu first appeared in the United States in January 1918 in Kansas. It came in two waves, with the second more deadly than the first.
Tell me, please. Are we simply picking up where we left off on March 14th? It seems so.
The return of weird al wednesday
So, weirdly, people really liked Weird Al Wednesday last week. So much so that Mike, a regular reader from here in Maryland, sent me this wonderful performance by Weird Al when he did a Tiny Desk Concert for NPR. Enjoy!
Today is Wednesday, June 3 and this is Repeat Day. Today is Wednesday, June 3 and this is Repeat Day.
Today I’m bringing other voices into The Daily Drivel. However, what they have to say is not drivelous. I appreciate their thinking, the clarity of their speech, the beauty of their voices, and their prespectives.
The first voice is that of my son, Jake. Yesterday, at exactly the same time I was writing my blog about him, he was writing in Facebook. I reached out to him early yesterday evening to review my blog before I posted it. He approved of what I had written and, as you will see below, it was aligned with what he also had written. I have also asked and received his permission to share his posting to Facebook. Here’s what he wrote:
The second voice is that of Stephen Colbert, the host of The Late Show with Stephen Colbert on CBS. Colbert stands in the long, honored tradition of the court jester who could deliver bad news to the king with impunity. The mantle of the jester rests today on the shoulders of many stand up comedians, including Colbert. Colbert’s monologue on Monday, June 1st was speaking truth to power in a more serious way than is typical for him. It is 12 minutes worth watching if you haven’t seen it.
The next voices are musical. I have selected them because they are songs that I have always associated with healing, compassion, love, and unity. All are in short supply at the moment, but we can’t blame the pandemic on that.
I will forever appreciate the performance delivered by John Legend in the Easter 2018 live performance of Jesus Christ Superstar. It was one of the most powerful and beautiful performances on any stage I’ve ever seen. If you’ve not seen it before, take time to find it and watch it now. It is relevant to these times. However, the voice of John Legend comes with a different message today. His rendition of the Simon & Garfunkel song Bridge Over Troubled Water is like a healing balm. You hear it in his voice and in the voices of the audience who join him on the chorus.
At the risk of redundancy, the next voice is Chris Mann singing the same tune. Mann’s COVID-19 song parodies have been featured here already but this is no parody. It is a beautiful a capella version which appears to have been posted just today by Mann. Don’t be distracted by the (too many) images of Mann in this video because the music is incredible. Just listen, you don’t have to watch.
The day after Barack Obama was inaugurated as the 44th President of the United States I was at Dulles International Airport to catch a flight. There were throngs of people there who were going back home after having attended that historic event.
I joined a long line of people trying to buy coffee and so did a small woman who was right behind me. I knew it was going to be a while so I decided to do what I always do: strike up a conversation. The two people ahead of me were friends and already chatting. I didn’t want to interrupt. The woman behind me appeared to be alone and she smiled back when I smiled at her. I remember it seemed to me she was dressed too casually for an older woman – sweat pants, sweatshirt, and a baseball cap – who exuded a certain fine dignity and style. Still, she seemed a likely candidate so I started a conversation with her.
We talked for about five minutes and then I realized something was familiar about her. When she realized that I was recognizing her she stopped the conversation. She leaned toward me, fixed her eyes on mine, and said, “Yes, you know me.” I leaned toward her and said, in barely a whisper (in case I was wrong), “Dionne Warwick?” She nodded. For the next 25 minutes we had the most wonderful conversation.
The next musical voice is that of Ms. Dionne Warwick. This video was filmed in March 29, 2019, ten years after that serendipitous conversation at Dulles. She is older now but her music is timeless. This is one of my favorites from her songbook. When the song was written in the early 60’s it was first offered to her by the songwriters, but she turned it down. Eventually she did record it twice though. First on an album. Then, in 1996, she recorded it as a single.
It is also a timely song. Some may feel the sentiment may be a little sappy but remember that it was originally recorded in the midst of the Vietnam War and the Civil Rights Movement. Those were not sappy times.
Marvin Gaye‘s is the next voice singing Abraham, Martin, & John, a song that was made famous by Dion in 1968. It is a tribute to the memory and work of Abraham Lincoln, Dr. Martin Luther King, John F. Kennedy, and Bobby Kennedy and Gaye’s rendition is powerful. These men had a powerful impact on our country. They were each imperfect people – a fact which Mr. Trump should take comfort in – but they usually were still able to put the country and the greater good before themselves – a fact Mr. Trump should allow to convict to his soul.
The final voice belongs to that of Pete Seeger, the legendary folk singer. Though Seeger did not write This Land is Your Land (it was written by his contemporary Woody Guthrie) he probably did as much to popularize it. A little known fact about Seeger, except in Quaker circles, is that he was good friends with Friends and we, therefore, lay a bit of claim to him.
There are two things I really like about this song. First, it’s origin story. Guthrie wrote it as a critical response to Irving Berlin’s nationalistic anthem, God Bless America. You’ve got to wonder what he might have written had he had to endure endless renditions of God Bless the U.S.A.
Second, its possibilities. Frankly, I am not a fan of the musicality of our national anthem. It is hard to sing and the music is lousy. Seriously, can you ever think of any rendition of the Star Spangled Banner that didn’t make you want to check your phone or go to the kitchen for more salsa? I didn’t think so. Me neither. (Do you know how risky it is to hold this view and live so close to Baltimore where it was penned?) However, This Land is Your Land is a wonderful candidate to be our national anthem. The music is fun and it is immensely singable, right? Maybe that is why it is one of the first songs taught in grade school music class. The only thing standing in the song’s way of being our national anthem is it’s aspirational message of unity and inclusion. Uh oh. That could be a problem, huh?
This Land is Your Land is also in the long, proud tradition of protest songs. Maybe it is a good option for today’s protesters who still want to raise their voices. Pete Seeger and Woody Guthrie would be proud!
Take time and care to laugh as well as cry; pray for hope as well as justice; speak in whispers as well as shouts; listen to music as well as speeches; and sit in peace as well as march for peace. All are okay. The balance keeps us healthy, it keeps us sane in an insane world.
Stay safe, be well, keep calm, keep washing your hands, keep wearing your mask, and keep remembering to stay in balance.
Of all the graves we visited I think there was only one that I associated with a person I knew anything about – Uncle Will. I don’t recall if I ever met him, but I was named after him…or so I’ve been told.
Saturday, May 23, 2020 – Live to Blog from Just Outside a Cemetery
Happy Memorial Day! Really now, doesn’t it sound just a bit odd to wish someone a “happy” Memorial Day? How about this? Have a “Reflective Memorial Day.” No, that doesn’t work. How about, have a “Memorable Memorial Day!” No, too many “mem” sounds. I’ll keep working on it and get back to you.
We have a spectacular view of Maryland National Memorial Cemetery from our bedroom, kitchen, and my office windows. We actually enjoy the view though Clemencia started refering to it as a “park” to avoid creeping out our visitors.
We not only love the view but we like the location for at least one reason that is extremely pragmatic: nobody will be building anything else on that site in our life times. It also means we have a sound buffer between us and busy U.S. Highway 1.
Memorial Day has become just another vacation day for many people, however, for me it has always been associated with cemeteries. When I was very young, and had no choice about where I was made to go with my parents, Memorial Day was when we loaded up the car with flowers and started making the rounds to visit the graves of various dead relatives.
To appease me, we’d turn on the radio and listen to the Indianapolis 500 as we drove from cemetery to cemetery. At that time the race was still being held on Memorial Day rather than the Sunday before. It was a hot, sticky, dusty, and smokey trip. Generally, I hated it and would have done anything to get out of it.
It was hot and sticky because Memorial Day in Iowa is often very hot and very humid. Cars were not airconditioned at that time…at least not the cars my family could afford.
It was dusty because my parents seemed to have an aversion to driving on anything but back roads. Back roads in Iowa were, at that time, graveled with a rock that created a thick, bright white chalky dust when you drove over them. It is not an exaggeration when I tell you that a car driving fast down an Iowa road in that era looked like it had a vapor trail similar to the one you’d see on the occasional jet flying overhead. That chalky dust got everywhere, including inside the car. It was really tough to breathe.
Add to it that my dad was a smoker – Camels, unfiltered. We couldn’t lower the windows because of the dust from the gravel. We had a most fatal choice – suck in dust or suck in smoke. Usually it was the smoke.
Of all the graves we visited I think there was only one that I associated with a person I knew anything about – Uncle Will. I don’t recall if I ever met him, but I was named after him…or so I’ve been told. I got my middle name from him – William. I got my first name, Tom, from my dad – whose given name was Carman Chester. I guess he preferred his nickname, Tom. Go figure, eh?
As I got older I became a Scout (Cub then Boy) and got to hang out at our hometown cemetery on Memorial Day. In our town we’d have a Memorial Day parade that ended at a small Veteran’s Memorial in the heart of the cemetery. All of us Scouts would march in the parade then, once at the memorial, line up and stand at attention during the ceremony. The ceremony usually included a brief speech from the Commander of the local American Legion chapter, followed by one of the older Scouts reading Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address. Then two trumpeters would play taps. One would be next to the memorial and the other would be about 100 yards away elsewhere in the cemetery playing the echo part. It was, as I remember, quite beautiful.
Remember that Memorial Day was usually really hot and humid? That produced an fun side show at the ceremony. We’d watch the other Cub and Boy Scouts to see which one passed out first from the heat before the end of the ceremony. Really…they did. It was nearly as cool as the next thing that would happen.
But the really exciting part came at the very end. All of the veterans from the American Legion, who had marched in the parade with their guns, would fire off a 21 gun salute. That would signal a mad, but dignifed, dash by the young Scouts to collect as many spent rifle shells as they could before the Scoutmaster whisper/yelled at them to get back in line.
In my teens, when I worked for my dad at the cemetery as a grave digger and mower, we would prepare that same cemetery for the ceremony. We’d put in long hours making sure the cemetery grass was nicely cut, all of the grass around the stones was trimmed, and the gravesites were readied for the flowers that families would deliver.
My dad absolutely hated the clean up period after Memorial Day as the flowers began to rot and stink. It was his job to clean up all of the flowers and, before they had gotten bad enough to remove, to mow around them. It irritated him so much that, before he died, he put in his last instructions that there were to be no flowers at his gravesite. There never have been. However, Boomer did make a wrought iron hook which he put next to dad’s grave so that flowers could be hung from it. This meant the cemetery groundskeeper could easily mow or weed whack around it without disturbing the flowers.
Long funeral services also bothered my dad so he also made us promise that his would not be more than 10 minutes in length. It came in at 9 minutes, 18 seconds, if I remember correctly. Yes, I timed it. It seemed the right thing to do.
Memorial Day 2020
As I reflect on Memorial Days of my past, I can’t help but wonder what this Memorial Day is going to be like. With 96,983 reported dead at this moment from COVID-19 in the United States, it looks like we could hit 100,000 right on Memorial Day.
The exceptional cruelty of COVID-19 is that spouses, partners, family, and children could not be with their departed when they passed. In most cases they cannot even gather with friends or a support system to grieve, process the loss, or celebrate the life of their deceased.
What will Memorial Day be like for these survivors? Where will they go to remember the departed when many of them are not yet even in cemeteries?
I don’t have an answer but I do have a suggestion. If you know your departed one’s favorite space, and if you are able go there safely, go. I can’t help but believe that they will be there already in spirit. When you are in that space, tell them everything you wanted to say to them before they passed but never had the chance to – even if all of it wasn’t loving. Closure is about love and truth. The most fortunate of us get to bring the love. The least fortunate of us need to bring the truth. For the vast number of people between those two, it may be a mixture of both love and truth. The most important thing is that you do closure in a way that works for you. The departed is at peace. You are the one remaining. Do what you need to do so you can let them go, if only eventually, and live the life you were meant to live.
To everyone who has suffered a loss due to COVID-19 I am sending you a virtual hug and doing what we Quakers always do: holding you in the Light.
Stay safe, be well, keep calm, keep washing your hands, keep wearing your mask, and keep remembering your departed and what brought all of us to this time and circumstance.
When I first started this blog…62 days ago…I wrote these words to explain why I was writing it: I’m mostly doing this for my own sanity and well-being. In fact it is more true than you might have imagined when you first read it.
Sunday, May 17, 2020 – Live to Blog from the 4th Wave
Zoom had a system wide problem today. Can you believe it? We attempted to join our Quaker Meeting for Worship at 9:00 AM but to no avail. FYI, there is a service you can sign up for with Zoom that will alert you if there is a current issue with Zoom. For those of us who depend on Zoom these days (that’s pretty much all of us, right?), it is an invaluable service. You can sign up here.
The Fourth Wave
Victor Tseng is a medical doctor working in a VA hospital in Georgia. The first thing you may notice about him from his picture on his LinkedIn profile is that he looks young. He is. When you examine his LinkedIn profile closely you’ll see that he started university at age 13 in Washington State in 2003 and graduated in 2007 in bioengineering with honors. His minors (or maybe additional degrees?) were in music composition and mathematics. On his Twitter feed (@VectorSting) he featured this illustration titled the “Health Footprint of Pandemic.”
Fiona, a friend and colleague from Canada, first shared this illustration with me. From the first time I saw it, it resonated with me. A health segment on a local television station in Denver featured another medical doctor who used Dr. Tseng’s illustration and explained it in breater depth. The video of this segment is less than four minutes in length and is worth watching to more fully understand the meaning of this graphic.
The first three waves have specific implications for the health care system. If we escape the health challenges presented by these three, the 4th Wave remains as a threat to all of us. However, we all can have an impact on the 4th Wave, too.
The 4th Wave is about the adverse impacts of trauma on people. We can expect that the various traumas associated with the pandemic will be so significant for many that they will experience Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) for some time to come. In some cases the stress of the pandemic will impact the brain health (language many are beginning to prefer over the term “mental illness”). These may also be exacerbated by the economic injury many will suffer as well as burnout, among first responders, essential personnel, and, more generally all of us, related to the stress of simply enduring the pandemic and “getting by” day to day.
There are two things about the 4th Wave that I’d like to highlight.
First, the 4th Wave does not happen after the first three waves. It actually begins in the midst of the 1st Wave – right now. Since it has already started, it means we are actually living in the midst of two waves.
Second, while it is principally our health care system that is tasked with mitigating the impacts of the first three waves, each of us can help mitigate the impact of the 4th Wave.
Our mitigation efforts may be as simple as checking in on people whom we know well to find out how they are doing and how we can offer them support. For example, a committee at our Quaker meeting has been doing this by phone. We received a call a couple of weeks ago from a member of the committee asking how we were doing and if there was anything we needed. A pretty simple act, huh? I reported that we were fine (we are) and still Clemencia and I really appreciated the call. Also, Clemencia and I both host weekly Zoom groups of people we know and each time we gather we always do a round of check-ins.
Another way we can help mitigate the impact of the 4th Wave is to reach out to people we may not know as well but whom we are concerned about. These may be the neighbors we know by sight but have never really talked with. They could be the people who pick up our garbage, deliver our mail, deliver groceries or prepared meals, mow our lawns, and clean our buildings. When we reach out to these folks the conversation may start a little differently. Instead of saying, as we would to those we are closer to, “I’m calling to check in…” we might say something like, “You’ve been on my mind recently and I’m wondering how you are doing and if there is anything you need that I can help you with.”
If we want to take our involvement up another notch, we can even find ways to help people whom we don’t know at all but who are in significant need. We can do this by volunteering with organized groups and service organizations. With the economic injury that is being sustained by our country there are a lot of nonprofit organizations which could use our hearts and hands, as well as our donations. These include organizations serving homeless populations, jobless people, disabled persons, immigrants, and those who are struggling with brain health issue (mental illness). These organizations, as we navigate the 4th Wave, will need our help now more than ever.
Because of the stigma of mental illness it may be most difficult for us to reach out and help those struggling with brain health issues. My friend and colleague, Patrick McNamara, is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker who worked on the front lines for many years. Today he is the President and Chief Executive Office of Palm Health Foundation in West Palm Beach, Florida. However, he retains and acts on the lessons he learned in the field.
Recently Patrick was a guest columnist for Stay Thirsty Magazine in which he recounts those lessons from the field which inform his work today. I’ve known Patrick for over two years and have been privileged to work with him and his staff at Palm Health Foundation. I have seen for myself how he lives out these lessons in his professional role. It is an excellent column and worth reading, especially if you want to make a difference in addressing the 4th Wave.
On a Very Personal Note about the 4th Wave
I was knocked down by the 4th Wave after the national trauma of 9/11. I was vulnerable already because I have had throughout my adult life a formal diagnosis and an informal diagnosis related to my own brain health. My formal diagnosis is PTSD resulting from ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences). My informal diagnosis is a mild case of OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). It is an “informal” diagnosis because it is one that I’ve made of myself based on my training as a mental health therapist. It is expressed by “checking” behavior, particularly in the kitchen. It is not unrelated to my ACEs as I can trace it back to a time when my father, an alcoholic, tried to cook while drunk late at night and, on several occasions, nearly set the house on fire. My anxiety, of course, is that a fire could start in our kitchen putting us all at risk; hence my checking is related to making sure nothing in the kitchen can cause a fire.
Irrational? Of course it is…now. However, one of the things I have learned about PTSD and it side effects, including some OCD, is that it is a normal response to abnormal circumstances. Overtime we learn to manage the PTSD. We do this by learning that the anxiety and behaviors of PTSD originally served the purpose of self-protection and preservation. Even more, we learn over time that we don’t need them any more. We also learn to spot and avoid the triggers, the things that remind us of the trauma and which can throw us back into it. However, some triggers are not always known.
The 9/11 tragedy was a horrific trigger for my brain health issues. It set into motion a series of personal events that included rapid, extreme loss of business revenue, ultimately the loss of my business and bankruptcy, and – even worse – a total loss of my sense of self. I fell into a personal hell that was deep and frightening, made deeper and more frightening because of the decisions and choices I made in that period. The losses I sustained in family and other important relationships were staggering. Though I have received grace and forgiveness from many over time, the sense of shame and disappointment I feel with myself remains at a very deep level. They fuel the nightmares which occasionally haunt me in the darkest hours of the night. My journey into that hell and back is one I never want to make again. My former father-in-law kindly explained it to my son as a “break down.” At the time, I wasn’t very appreciative of that interpretation, but I now know it was accurate.
When I first started this blog…62 days ago…I wrote these words to explain why I was writing it: I’m mostly doing this for my own sanity and well-being.In fact, as you now understand, it is more true than you might have imagined when you first read it. My understanding of my own brain health issues has continued to expand and grow over the past 19 years. When the trauma of this pandemic hit, I knew I would face a similar trigger to what I faced in September 2001. I did not want to be unprepared this time. I knew this blog would be a therapeutic intervention for me and it has been.
I know. This seems a very personal thing to share with you in a drivel blog. I share it fully expecting that the stigma which exists around brain health (mental illness) may drive a wedge between me and some who read this blog. That would be unfortunate. I also expect, though, that it will connect me even closer to some readers.
I began to think about sharing all of this when I first saw Victor Tseng’s illustration a few weeks ago. I wrote earlier that it resonated with me. Even more, it spoke to my condition and described something I knew was true from my own experience. I chose to share it now because I know the reality of the 4th Wave. I felt compelled to raise the alarm as strongly as I can to get your attention to say five things to you:
It is real.
We are not waiting for it to hit, it is hitting many already.
Realize you can also be taken down by the wave, even if you’ve not previously had a brain health challenge.
If you feel yourself going under the 4th Wave, do not wait to seek the help of counselors or friends who can help you set an anchor.
Be aware of those around you who may be getting pulled down by the 4th Wave and consider how you can help.
If you need help connecting to local resources, let me know and I’ll do what I can.
In barely a month, during the worst days of the pandemic so far, there has been a 10% drop in the number of Americans who said they are likely to get the COVID-19 vaccination once it becomes available.
Friday, May 15, 2020 – Live to Blog Amidst of a Lot of Noise
Besides the political and societal noise about COVID-19, we are also dealing with a lot of actual noise today in our house. Rather than face thousands of dollars of repairs to keep our HVAC system limping along, we decided to take a deep breath and replace it. The installers are here today. They are making good progress and some great noise! All is normal.
Will a Vaccine Really Matter?
Tweets don’t usually disturb me. Until today. It disturbs me for two reasons. First, I tend to trust the source. Second, the content is frightening.
The tweet came from David Brooks, the New York Times columnist who is often identified as a conservative and a Republican. I first started following him on the PBS News Hour where he squares off each Friday with Mark Shields, a progressive Democrat. Over the years I have enjoyed their thoughtful and thought provoking debates. They remind me that civil discourse, and even agreement, is still possible if people are willing and able. Brooks’ The Road to Character is one of those books that I’m quick to recommend to people and, of course, I recommend it to you. When David Brooks speaks, I tend to pay attention. This morning I paid attention to his Tweet:
The graphic he shared is scary. Look at it closely. In barely a month, during the worst days of the pandemic so far, there has been a 10% drop in the number of Americans who said they are likely to get the COVID-19 vaccination once it becomes available. Responses to Brook’s Tweet included the usual rants and snarky comments but there was one that stood out to me because of its analysis.
What @lbbayer, and respondents, are revealing is the lack of trust many people have in “current leaders” generally and in Donald Trump specifically. No surprise there. Part of our great partisan divide in the U.S. is the lack, even absence, of trust that people in one party feel toward leaders put forth by the other. Regardless of who started the fight, in the end, all will lose. The leaders will lose because all will have drawn the ire of the people. The people will lose because of failed leadership.
There are two things our leaders do not understand, or, if they do, they don’t care about at all…which is even more frightening.
First, leadership is not about being ahead, or “the head,” of people. It is about walking alongside them without concern for what is in it for self. Consider what Lao Tzu wrote millenials ago:
Second, trust is fundamental in motivating people to embrace change. Stephen Covey wrote “Trust is the glue that holds everything together.” He is also credited with the concept that change happens at the speed of trust. In the midst of this pandemic, until American’s can trust their leaders to make decisions in the best interests of we the people as whole (and not special interests), communicate transparently and honestly, and act with integrity, we will not make much progress against COVID-19.
We not only have a pandemic of COVID-19, we have a pandemic of mistrust.
Recently I’ve heard economists, scientists, and public health people agree on a single point: the economy will not come back until we bring the virus under control. This is because most people are too afraid to go back to work, patronize restaurants, theaters, bars, shops, stores, and other businesses until they feel it is really safe to go out again. Though we remain under stay-at-home orders here in Prince George’s County until June 1, we expect to be avoiding public places for a very long time to come.
Our country and society has been dealt a devastating blow in terms of both health and economy. It is important right now that we be able to believe our leaders and trust them. Our capacity to recover depends on it. Unfortunately, our leaders do not appear to have the moral courage or capacity to do the one thing they must do: together sow truth to let the seeds of trust grow.